Given to Scott, early, and far too boldly: May 22st, 2016
I've written this out before and deleted it. Thoughts ranging from apologies to prayers to affection I can't even really feel yet.
I just want to tell you that I think about you and I hope for you. I hope the very best—the very most.
I'm sorry that you're the clean one and that sometimes I'm impulsive.
I can't really be sorry for my story though. My "baggage." I hate when people say that. As if you can just set it down and walk off or open it up and shift the weight until your cases are permitted to be checked and loaded onto a plane and sent away. I know we'll understand each other well enough to know even self-inflicted wounds heal. Who we were once doesn't have to be anything like who we are now. I want you to know, I love the story of how you came to Jesus. All of it. The winding and the ups and downs just make Him that much greater.
I can't wait to look at you in New England, to look at you in Southern California, to look at you in our home. I'll take mental pictures of you in all my favorite places for as long as I live.
Sometimes, when I see baby shoes, I think of all the craziness we're going to take on one day. It scares me less to know I get a partner for it all. I'm excited to live life with you.
I want you to know that you're my teammate. I'm going to champion you and fight with and for you. I want to be a wife who will sacrifice in order for her husband to glorify Jesus. I want to honor you mightily and love you well.
I hope I know you soon, and I hope there is no one else between you and me. I hope you love Jesus more than you love me.
I can't wait to choose you forever.”
I cried that night. I had moved back in with my parents and left school. I didn’t know many people in the city, and most of my friends had left our hometown years before. I was so lonely and also so fixated on the idea of marriage in the church. I wanted to be ready for it.
In November, there was a breakthrough in my counseling sessions in gaining a better understanding of my mental health. Things had been rocky since the passing of my grandfather, and it felt as though finally, things were looking up.
I remembered Scott’s name—it landed right in the forefront of my mind in December of 2015. We met up on New Year’s Day. Sixteen days after we met, Scott started mentioning “eventually, if we get married.” And we touched lightly on the idea fairly often, until it wasn’t so lightly anymore. We were enthralled with talking about our life together. We were engaged September 18th of 2016 and married January 7th, the week of our one year anniversary together, 2017.
And I realize, that’s quick. I don’t recommend always moving so quickly. I think the big things have to line up—family, faith, what you want in your future, how you treat other people, even how you fight, and spiritual and relational maturity.
Treat first dates like an interview. Ask the hard-hitters because you don’t have time to waste. Don’t ignore the warning signs. It doesn’t matter how funny or cute or charming someone is if they are going to steer you away from God.
But if the big things line up, and you know, (and you’ll know) please do not stress what other people think. Your timing is your timing. Your life is your life.